I Lied

Last week I canceled Baby's daycare. As much as I would have liked some time to myself, some separation, a scheduled free time... time to do yoga, to window shop, to do my nails, to wander the streets of Mtl with peace of mind knowing that my little one is laughing, crawling, happy playing with his new friends... deep down I knew from day 1 that such integration would be difficult. I have a hypersensitive little guy with many special quirks. There were empty promises of one-on-one stimulation, a high chair, an OT, a special chair so he can sit with friends. We got none of these things. The last time I brought him he screamed for the 2 hours I was away. When I picked him up, he was sitting in a stroller, drenched in sweat crying his eyes out. My first instinct is how can he go back? He clearly can't handle the environment and the workers can't handle him.

The problem? The team of health care professionals that we see on a weekly basis are pushing daycare. They strongly believe that a daycare environment will help him work through his sensitivities, and help him cope with stressful situations. They fear that, when the time comes, he won't be able to make sense of a classroom and "cause problems for everybody". The pressure to keep him in daycare if so strong that I actually lied to his physiotherapist last week when she asked how daycare was going... I couldn't face the criticism if she knew that I had pulled him out a few days prior.

Even if I feel like I tried my best, I lied. I signed him up over the summer, started part time in the fall, even left him alone there a few times to see how he would fair. It wasn't all tears and tantrums, there were some good mornings, but these were few and far between. I invested time, money and energy. I tried!! Even if my instinct is telling me daycare isn't a place for my son, I lied. He can't make sense of all the stimuli alone and there isn't anyone there to help him. Intuition is telling me he's not ready!!

I lied because I'm always second guessing myself. Are they right?! Did I do him a disservice? I'm not sure. I'm following my gut on this one. Who knew that of all the challenges of having a child with special needs, finding the strength to be honest would be one of them.