Over the past few years, I've been choosing to buy organic as much as possible. Organic grains, beans, fruits, veggies, sauces, spices, teas etc. What our bodies absorb is important, this also includes our skin! Luckily, I've been able to find some really great natural products to replace my old beauty routine:
I never knew I could feel so much pain in such a short time. The pain of a difficult labour and birth, the pain of a diagnosis, the pain of a separation. Physical or psychological, it feels like a slow painful death that's seemingly never ending. I want what I'm feeling to stop so badly. I want to fix it, make it all better, get an epidural for my emotions to numb the pain of this day, this life.
3 years ago today you were born. It was cold and snowing, you were alone in an incubator, exposed to bright neon lights, loud beeps, sharp needles, too many wires. I was there by your side, watching you, loving every cell in your tiny frail body. As I write these words it is also cold and snowing, but unlike 3 years ago, you are sleeping in my bed warm and cozy and happy. 3 years ago I was told that the love I was feeling might fade once my hormones got back into balance... But it didn't. I love you the same indescribable way I did that day! I'm so proud of the accomplishments you have made so far and cherish every minute we're together. Happy birthday!!
Yesterday was the third of six of my "Working Towards Guilt Free Motherhood" workshop. I made it half way! So far we tackled lots: self awareness, self esteem (how we tie it to our child's behaviour), the portrayal of motherhood in social media, acknowledging our mistakes to make repairs, our (often critical) inner voice, and how to be kind to oneself. We also touched on the importance of being open and sharing our experiences as a way to make connections. Being the silent observer, I was called upon with a question about connecting that I didn't really hear. I only heard my name and then the words "Sorry, I just can't" came out of my mouth in some kind of shaky stutter.
AUGH WRONG WEIRD AUGH
After the workshop, moms went out all together for lunch. I was invited but feeling like I wanted to crawl under the floorboards and die from embarrassment (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration) I declined. Was I always like this? So shy to the point of crying when asked to speak? Probably to some degree, but never this bad!
I still haven't recovered from the sight of seeing them all walk together towards a warm lunch and warm conversation. It made me crave connection, to feel understood, to feel safe and good and finally at peace. Needless to say, I won't be going back.
Baby had eye surgery
1 emergency hospital visit
1 ophthalmology visit (hellish morning)
2 OT appointments
5 PT appointments
1 hydrotherapy class
3 baby singing classes
5 sessions with specialized educator
1 speech therapy appointment
1 Dr's appointment for me (waited an hr and a half and had to leave with a restless baby sans seeing my dr)
1 motherhood workshop
1 therapy session
And next week looks like:
1 therapy session
1 motherhood workshop
1 PT appointment
1 baby signing class
2 speech therapy appointments
1 OT appointment
2 sessions with specialized educator
1 appointment with social worker
1 Dr's appointment for me (rescheduled)
1 appointment to change car tires
Today I attended a workshop called "Working Towards Guilt Free Motherhood". It was the first meeting of 6, hosted by 2 psychologists. Cozy cozy, 6 other moms and myself on couches talking about our feelings and experiences. The minute I got there (last one to arrive because of crazy Mtl construction nightmare) I immediately felt the opposite of cozy. I felt uneasy.
Topics covered today included pre/postpartum hormones, control (or lack there of), and intentions behind unsolicited advice. But I couldn't really concentrate, feeling my heart rate & body temperate increase, my face turn red.
I was the only one who didn't contribute personal experiences or ask a question so when I was called upon to share a little bit about myself, I totally froze. My mind went blank and all I could muster was: "I'm really shy and can't speak in social gatherings". Inside I felt like crying but kept my composure, I think I embarrassed myself enough thank you very much.
In my efforts to connect with people, feel less isolated in my mommy hood struggles, I couldn't have felt more alone after the session. I don't want to go back but I pre-paid so I feel obliged to attend... I guess a part of me wants to go, be cool, make friends. Maybe next time I'll even feel less anxious! Chances are I'll probably make things worse for myself by having anticipatory anxiety and count the minutes until it's over once I get there. Anxious much mama?
Having a child with special needs has put me in contact with many (not so competent) health care professionals. There were 4 different Drs that ignored me when I knew something was wrong with Baby's digestive system (we later found out it was a severe blockage). There was a nutritionist who stressed me out (for nothing) for months about Baby's weight and kept pushing meat (!?) and Pediasure. 1 Dr who prescribed unnecessary invasive testing (thank God I didn't go through with any of them). The worst social worker. 1 physiotherapist who made me feel bad for not putting Baby in daycare and unnecessarily stopped services because Baby was "too small and difficult to deal with". I've suffered through hospital protocol of fasting, gavage, needles, constant interruptions, the worst conditions for Baby and any new mom. I've been scarred by the beginning of this journey, but I'm also learning a lot as I go. I now know that not all recommendations are right, it's ok to say no or get a second opinion, and that my instincts as a mom are usually always right. Moms just know.