Thursday, December 8, 2016

Home

Too much meat yet so satisfying to watch...



Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Pain

I never knew I could feel so much pain in such a short time. The pain of a difficult labour and birth, the pain of a diagnosis, the pain of a separation. Physical or psychological, it feels like a slow painful death that's seemingly never ending. I want what I'm feeling to stop so badly. I want to fix it, make it all better, get an epidural for my emotions to numb the pain of this day, this life.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Happy Birthday!

Dear Baby,
3 years ago today you were born. It was cold and snowing, you were alone in an incubator, exposed to bright neon lights, loud beeps, sharp needles, too many wires. I was there by your side, watching you, loving every cell in your tiny frail body. As I write these words it is also cold and snowing, but unlike 3 years ago, you are sleeping in my bed warm and cozy and happy. 3 years ago I was told that the love I was feeling might fade once my hormones got back into balance... But it didn't. I love you the same indescribable way I did that day! I'm so proud of the accomplishments you have made so far and cherish every minute we're together. Happy birthday!!
Love,
Mom xox


Friday, November 18, 2016

Thursday, November 17, 2016

No Words


le témoin- ariane brunet

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Anxious Much? Update

Yesterday was the third of six of my "Working Towards Guilt Free Motherhood" workshop. I made it half way! So far we tackled lots: self awareness, self esteem (how we tie it to our child's behaviour), the portrayal of motherhood in social media, acknowledging our mistakes to make repairs, our (often critical) inner voice, and how to be kind to oneself. We also touched on the importance of being open and sharing our experiences as a way to make connections. Being the silent observer, I was called upon with a question about connecting that I didn't really hear. I only heard my name and then the words "Sorry, I just can't" came out of my mouth in some kind of shaky stutter.

AUGH WRONG WEIRD AUGH

After the workshop, moms went out all together for lunch. I was invited but feeling like I wanted to crawl under the floorboards and die from embarrassment (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration) I declined. Was I always like this? So shy to the point of crying when asked to speak? Probably to some degree, but never this bad!

I still haven't recovered from the sight of seeing them all walk together towards a warm lunch and warm conversation. It made me crave connection, to feel understood, to feel safe and good and finally at peace. Needless to say, I won't be going back.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Play


ben talmi

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Baby Be Keeping Me Busy! Part 3

Since the autumnal equinox this happened:

Baby had eye surgery
1 emergency hospital visit
1 ophthalmology visit (hellish morning)
2 OT appointments
5 PT appointments
1 hydrotherapy class
3 baby singing classes
5 sessions with specialized educator
1 speech therapy appointment
1 Dr's appointment for me (waited an hr and a half and had to leave with a restless baby sans seeing my dr)
1 motherhood workshop
1 therapy session

And next week looks like:
1 therapy session
1 motherhood workshop
1 PT appointment
1 baby signing class
2 speech therapy appointments
1 OT appointment
2 sessions with specialized educator
1 appointment with social worker
1 Dr's appointment for me (rescheduled)
1 appointment to change car tires


Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Anxious Much?

Today I attended a workshop called "Working Towards Guilt Free Motherhood". It was the first meeting of 6, hosted by 2 psychologists. Cozy cozy, 6 other moms and myself on couches talking about our feelings and experiences. The minute I got there (last one to arrive because of crazy Mtl construction nightmare) I immediately felt the opposite of cozy. I felt uneasy.

Topics covered today included pre/postpartum hormones, control (or lack there of), and intentions behind unsolicited advice. But I couldn't really concentrate, feeling my heart rate & body temperate increase, my face turn red.

I was the only one who didn't contribute personal experiences or ask a question so when I was called upon to share a little bit about myself, I totally froze. My mind went blank and all I could muster was: "I'm really shy and can't speak in social gatherings". Inside I felt like crying but kept my composure, I think I embarrassed myself enough thank you very much.  

In my efforts to connect with people, feel less isolated in my mommy hood struggles, I couldn't have felt more alone after the session. I don't want to go back but I pre-paid so I feel obliged to attend... I guess a part of me wants to go, be cool, make friends. Maybe next time I'll even feel less anxious! Chances are I'll probably make things worse for myself by having anticipatory anxiety and count the minutes until it's over once I get there. Anxious much mama?

Thursday, July 28, 2016

November 25



Can't wait!!!!!

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Moms Know

Having a child with special needs has put me in contact with many (not so competent) health care professionals. There were 4 different Drs that ignored me when I knew something was wrong with Baby's digestive system (we later found out it was a severe blockage). There was a nutritionist who stressed me out (for nothing) for months about Baby's weight and kept pushing meat (!?) and Pediasure. 1 Dr who prescribed unnecessary invasive testing (thank God I didn't go through with any of them). The worst social worker. 1 physiotherapist who made me feel bad for not putting Baby in daycare and unnecessarily stopped services because Baby was "too small and difficult to deal with". I've suffered through hospital protocol of fasting, gavage, needles, constant interruptions, the worst conditions for Baby and any new mom. I've been scarred by the beginning of this journey, but I'm also learning a lot as I go. I now know that not all recommendations are right, it's ok to say no or get a second opinion, and that my instincts as a mom are usually always right. Moms just know.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Baby Be Keeping Me Busy! Part 2

The past 2 weeks didn't go exactly as planned... As of today, the result?:

7 Dr's appointments
1 Xray
1 OT appointment
1 PT appointment
2 therapy sessions
1 singing class
1 blood test
Baby's first haircut (traumatizing)
2 hospital visits
Glasses fitting for Baby
1 appointment for Baby's standing station
1 appointment for Baby's orthotics (panic inducing procedure)
1 sick feverish baby
1 tired mommy!!

Monday, June 20, 2016

Peace Mommy

Ok, maybe I was being a little harsh when I wrote Mommy Wars.

I feel bad because dodo is so hard and moms can become desperate for a solution... I suffered 16 months of sleeplessness, pumping and breastfeeding round the clock (Baby is hypotonic so I had many breastfeeding challenges). I gave more than I was able to give and maybe it wasn't smart to push so hard because my physical and mental health suffered a lot. And I'm not perfect! I gave up using cloth diapers because the washing felt like too much work. I let my toddler watch (educational signing) DVDs and the occasional Netflix cartoon. I use commercial baby wipes (though to my credit when I'm home I use washable bamboo cotton cloths with a homemade mixture of distilled water, aloe, soap, calendula and essential oils). I don't give homemade snacks. I know that another mom could judge me harshly for these things... But I've been through a lot, and maybe so have you.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Cancer of the Arteries

7 years ago my dad had a heart attack, on Saturday he had a second one. Surgery on Monday and another right now, as I write these words. I'm stressed, scared and my heart hurts now too! This fathers day I'm hoping my papa will finally be home from hospital and recovering peacefully.


Friday, June 10, 2016

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Start A Fire


stephen ft in-q

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Baby Be Keeping Me Busy!

Monday
Dr's appointment (for me)
Opthalmology appointment (usually a half day ordeal at the hospital)

Tuesday
Dr's appointment for Baby's legs

Wednesday
Occupational Therapist and specialized educator
Paediatrician

Thursday
Dentist (for me)

Friday
Yoga!

Monday 
Mother Goose (songs and stories)

Tuesday
Waxing appointment (for me)

Wednesday
Specialized educator

Thursday
Audiology and ENT appointments

Friday
Rest

Friday, June 3, 2016

Getting Dressed

When I was a kid, my parents would buy hand-me-downs from a mom with only boys... This is how I dressed most of my childhood. Girly outfits (still very vivid in my mind) can be counted on one hand: plaid skirt during a summer fair when I was about 9, flowery dress for grade 6 graduation, grey prom "dress" worn with converse (it amazes me that I had a date!) and my sister's knee length skirt for high school graduation.

I remember the day when I bought my first skirt (in my 20s!). It was fitted, black and I felt pretty! Soon after, I got my first post-univeristy job and that's when I really made an effort to dress like a lady. Lots of nice dresses, skirts and blouses, always in heals. My first apartment had 5 closets, and I was able to fill them all with fancy shoes and frilly womanly pieces.

Then I had Baby and postpartum was all about comfort. Looking nice and fashion is the last thing on a new mom's mind! It's been two and a half years since Baby was born and I'm still wearing my uniform of cotton leggings, tank top, and plaid oversized shirt. Forget body-con, no more stalkings, don't even think of seeing me in a pair of heals, or even a bra! I've become hyperaware of how fabrics feel on my skin (everything is itchy, even cashmere). I make an effort to dress up on special occasions but as soon as I'm home, I take off all my clothes and take a shower with a sigh of relief. I'm pretty sure that the trauma of giving birth and the discomfort for weeks afterwards has caused this sensitivity. I can't deal with buttons, zippers, wires and most fabrics. I got rid of almost all of my clothes.

Now that the weather is getting warm, I feel like I don't have anything left to wear! Stores seem to only be selling short shorts or rompers like this:


I mean come on!! Only a preteen can pull this look off!

I don't know where to shop anymore. Until I find a romper with a long torso and long shorts or elastic waist skirts and bermudas, you might see me in these unisex beauties: