Saturday, July 22, 2017

When Will It End?

I tend to keep everything (like I still have my school notes somewhere in a box!) but for some reason, I throw out my agendas. I wish I still had them so I could reference the last 4 years and take note of how many waiting rooms, therapy sessions, drs, specialists, classes and conferences I have attended over the years. How many hours in waiting rooms? How many days in hospital?

Just last week I had to hold Baby's head down while Dr administered 3 sets of drops to dilate pupils for yet another eye test. This dr has ZERO bedside manner and doesn't explain things properly and always leaves me feeling confused and angry. I mentioned that Baby has a hard time keeping glasses on so Dr prescribed medication to blur vision so that Baby would be FORCED to wear glasses. What kind of abusive recommendation is that???? I'm changing drs once and for all, but getting a second opinion also means making another appointment (hopefully no more tests though). Sigh

Recently I was given a pamphlet on the Canada Food Guide and lectured about portions with the subtext that the reason my Baby is not walking is because he's underfed (not the first time this has happened btw). First of all, the Canada Food Guide is a corrupt document sponsored by Canada's DAIRY farmers. Second, my son is following his growth curve and is eating very well thank you very much. Third, he's not walking because of a severe muscle condition BITCH. Of course I didn't say any of this and just smiled and accepted the (mis)information politely.

This undertone that I'm not doing enough is omnipresent. I'm not feeding enough, not doing enough physio, not working hard enough on teaching age appropriate eating behaviours. I hold too much and put off daycare so the insecurities and sensitivities are my fault. Teach more, repeat more, do more.

WHEN WILL IT END?! When can I just relax and enjoy a day without an appointment?  Will there be a time where I'm not reminded of all the challenges my Baby is up against? When will the guilt stop? Will someone tell me: "great job"? Or "Wow look at all you do, you're a great mom!!!!!"?

I have a plan to take this winter off, take a break from appointments and just focus on work and having fun. I'm not risking driving in a snow storm just to be told that I need to intentionally blind my Baby and he needs to eat meat. My Baby is perfect. I'm doing the best I can. FUCK OFF.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Not busy?!

Today was the first day since mother fucking Christmas that I didn't have a medical appointment or therapy session. First day off since I started work where it was just me and Baby and nothing on the agenda. I wasn't feeling that great all day (headache, stomach problems, fatigue, soreness) and it's probably because I had a chance to let my body feel what it has been holding back (just like getting sick right after exams!). Thankfully I have the entire long weekend to rest up and prepare for the weeks and seemingly endless appointments ahead...  

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Healing

I've been living with a pretty debilitating auto immune disease and this year, my rheumatologist advised me that there is a chance (1 in 5!) that it may develop into something life threatening. With no hope of a cure, prevention is my only defence. In April I had my first appointment with a naturopathic doctor. After a physical, taking my blood and history, she put me on a cocktail of supplements: NAC (see video), ginkgo, mushroom concentrate, omegas, niacin, vit d, iron, magnesium and probiotics to start. I've also changed my diet completely, avoiding the following trigger foods: gluten (!), dairy, eggs, cashews, pistachios, hazelnuts, pees and mustard. Almost all I eat and put on my skin is organic. I no longer wear perfume (the new second hand smoke for auto immune sufferers). Though it's not easy for a vegetarian to follow such a restrictive diet, after only 5 weeks, I'm starting to notice a change. Yes, I'm still exhausted, but my mood has improved, my stomach no longer hurts and I'm finally sleeping more soundly. I'm starting to believe that I can change my biochemistry. My body is healing. There is hope after all!




Tuesday, May 30, 2017

City and Colour


nutshell


old man

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Mother's Day

Wanted to post this for Mother's Day was too busy dealing with one of Baby's epic meltdowns!



There's nothing more devastatingly heart breaking than having your child hospitalized. My wounds are still very fresh, and like Baby's scar, I will always have that mark. Yes we breakdown, we scream and cry alone in private, but somehow we suck it up and do what we have to do for our child. We are Survivors, we are Mothers.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

This!


#busybragging

Another crazy Tuesday! OT evaluation, grocery shopping, lunch, specialized educator appointment, driving driving driving. What I'm saving for my next day off: paper work, phone calls, cooking, cleaning, 2 more appointments and hopefully (probably not) a bit of rest. #busybragging

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Stressful Day

5 am wake up, dysphasia, dyspraxia, hazards, questionnaires, developmental levels, spare tire, 5 appointments (out of 6), still have to change a poopy diaper, bath, massage and prepare meals for the next 2 days of work! Ouff

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Baby Be Keeping Me Busy! part 4

Since the beginning of the year, this is what I've been up to:

1 audiology appointment
1 dentist appointment
1 ENT appointment
2 blood tests
4 appointments with 2 different physiotherapists
7 physio classes
4 appointments with 3 different social workers
1 barium swallow (for me this time)
15 appointments with 4 different specialized educators
2 appointments with an occupational therapist
1 occupational therapy workshop
2 speech therapy workshops
7 speech therapy sessions
mother goose classes
8 hours in the ER (again for me)
music classes
1 of these classes
1 meeting here*
sign and play classes

* I will be starting work in the spring, 3 days a week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this centre (which seems amazing with its one-on-one stimulation program) will work as a daycare for Baby. It will be costly ($40/half day) but hopefully worth the expense... The weeks ahead will be jammed packed and I'm not so confident in my juggling skills. I'm tired and feel alone in my struggles. Stress, sadness, sickness, cold, frostbite, insomnia, anxiety, it's all pilling up on my fragile self. I'm hoping spring will bring with her a new sense of energy and light. In the mean time, I think I'm going to take a personal day tomorrow, cancel everything and stay inside. I'm allowed once in a while no?

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Kooples

Want

 Want

Can't afford 

Kick It To Me!!



"When you make other people less then for not participating, then you become the machine".

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Trainspotting 2!!

Want.To.See.This.A.S.A.P.



ps How is it the Ewan McGregor is better looking today than 20 years ago? Love him

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Love Her, Part 2


Another one:



Cosmetic Love

Over the past few years, I've been choosing to buy organic as much as possible. Organic grains, beans, fruits, veggies, sauces, spices, teas etc. What our bodies absorb is important, this also includes our skin! Luckily, I've been able to find some really great natural products to replace my old beauty routine:












Sunday, January 15, 2017

Girls

Can't wait, looks good!!


Monday, January 9, 2017

Turning A New Leaf

It recently helped me with stress, insomnia, maybe even my anxiety. But I've decided I'm not going to smoke pot any more... Hope I don't miss it too much!


sunset on the range- ka meal x bobbi boi

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Home

Too much meat yet so satisfying to watch...



Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Pain

I never knew I could feel so much pain in such a short time. The pain of a difficult labour and birth, the pain of a diagnosis, the pain of a separation. Physical or psychological, it feels like a slow painful death that's seemingly never ending. I want what I'm feeling to stop so badly. I want to fix it, make it all better, get an epidural for my emotions to numb the pain of this day, this life.