Thursday, September 21, 2017

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Tattoos!

I've aways liked tattoos and admire lovely ladies who wear them so well: Ruby RoseLucy MolloyKatrin BerndtGrace Neutral, my hairdresser just to name a few.

It's fun looking at pictures and watching Youtube videos and learning new things. Here are the terms I know so far:

New school
Japanese
Black and grey
Stick and poke
Black work (or blackout)
Tribal (mandalas are the new tribal btw)
Water colour
Traditional
Fine line
Tattoo blowout (blurry lines)
Blast overs (tattoo over an existing tattoo, different from a cover up that hides an existing tattoo)

I'm not planning on getting a tattoo (I'm a highly indecisive person that's prone to regret) but if I were, I would get something like this:


Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Arie!



Hot hot hot and class. The girls better be older than 27!

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Anxiety

Just a few weeks ago, I lost my cousin to mental illness. Though my story isn't the same and really can't compare to his, I feel like the more we talk, blog, vlog whatever about our individual experiences, the more we can collectively break some of the stigma surrounding mental illness and maybe help someone in the process.

Anxiety has always been inside me, manifesting itself in certain behaviours growing up like being scared to talk to relatives or hiding in the house to avoid having to say hi to company. I remember as a young kid being invited to birthday parties but having to leave early or not being able to stay. In high school and in my 20s I was pretty anti-social, friendly but never able to hold any form of genuine friendship. Then Baby came and after about 4 months of being in survival mode, my ability to cope with the stress and lack of sleep and the emotions surrounding the entire situation was just beyond my capacity. I started getting panic attacks and debilitating fears. Unable to drive, I would have to ride the metro but be convinced every time that we would crash and all die. I would feel electric shocks going through my body and my muscles would twitch uncontrollably. I started to fear loud noises, fear the elevator, feel unsafe everywhere, especially at home because of an irrational fear that the fire alarm would go off. Battling this constant fear all while taking care of a baby + all the atypical needs of my special Baby made living unbearable...

In an effort to turn things around, I forced myself to drive, distracted my mind, stopped thinking about potential disasters, convinced myself that I wasn't going to die. Took the elevator instead of the stairs, carried ear muffs for Baby to protect against the fire alarm. Kept an emergency overnight bag at the door just in case.... Slowly I started to have less irrational scary thoughts. The muscle spasms became less frequent and eventually stopped. I've learned how to use coping mechanisms to get through stressful situations. The fear of accidents and dying is gone but I'm still... fragile. Just today I had to take a rickety elevator with Baby and the entire time (2 looooong flights) I had to breathe and consciously control my thoughts from getting the best of me. I wake up several times a night gasping (my panic attacks only happen when I'm sleeping now!), my skin often feels like it's burning (a sign of a stressed nervous system), my muscles are sore and I suffer from terrible headaches. I get unreasonably upset or critical when I see Facebook pictures of my friends' families and stop listing as soon as someone talks to me about their baby or birthing experience. Oh and I apparently I can't talk in front of a group of moms... but at least I recognize now that I never really cared in the first place!


Monday, September 4, 2017

Cosmetic & Supplement Junkie

Things I'm putting in my body: vitamin D, vitamin B12, magnesium, iron, probiotics, zinc, folic acid, fish oils

Things I'm avoiding putting in my body: gluten, dairy, peas, and pesticides

Things I'm putting on my skin:
Sandrine Chabert's Princesse lipstick
Eminence's Sweet Red Rose Tonique and Bright Skin Overnight Correcting Cream from The Facial Room
Juice Beauty's Green Apple Brightening Essence
Arbor Certified Organic Skincare's Maqui Berry Firming Face SerumCamu Camu Berry anti-aging eye cream and Maqui Berry Day Cream Moisturizer
Consonant's Natural Foaming Face Wash, Body Lotion and HydrExteme
Avalon Organics shampoo and conditioner

Things I'm avoiding putting on my skin: toxic chemicals found it most creams, soaps and cosmetics!


Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Why?

Why do I love this stupid show? It's even worse (better?) than The Bachelor(ette)!!

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Clean Closet

Am I a minimalist? No. And I'm no Marie Kondo, but I love to stay organized and tend to get anxious around clutter and mess! I recently "rage cleaned" my closet... again. This time I donated lots of clothes. My style is evolving so there were a lot of items I stopped wearing a long time ago.

It's only after I finished my big organizing job that I came across this video:



The 7 items you don't need in your closet are:

1. Expensive mistakes
2. Cheap mistakes
3. Uncomfortable items
4. Items that don't fit
5. Gifts/sentimentals (allowed to keep a few!)
6. Things that have gone out of fashion
7. Items that look good on other people

Over the past year, I got rid of many items in each category, I have a lot less and only 1 small box in storage. I still have a few uncomfortable things left, pieces I seldom wear, maybe still too many shoes, but I'm getting there!

Saturday, July 22, 2017

When Will It End?

I tend to keep everything (like I still have my school notes somewhere in a box!) but for some reason, I throw out my agendas. I wish I still had them so I could reference the last 4 years and take note of how many waiting rooms, therapy sessions, drs, specialists, classes and conferences I have attended over the years. How many hours in waiting rooms? How many days in hospital?

Just last week I had to hold Baby's head down while Dr administered 3 sets of drops to dilate pupils for yet another eye test. This dr has ZERO bedside manner and doesn't explain things properly and always leaves me feeling confused and angry. I mentioned that Baby has a hard time keeping glasses on so Dr prescribed medication to blur vision so that Baby would be FORCED to wear glasses. What kind of abusive recommendation is that???? I'm changing drs once and for all, but getting a second opinion also means making another appointment (hopefully no more tests though). Sigh

Recently I was given a pamphlet on the Canada Food Guide and lectured about portions with the subtext that the reason my Baby is not walking is because he's underfed (not the first time this has happened btw). First of all, the Canada Food Guide is a corrupt document sponsored by Canada's DAIRY farmers. Second, my son is following his growth curve and is eating very well thank you very much. Third, he's not walking because of a severe muscle condition BITCH. Of course I didn't say any of this and just smiled and accepted the (mis)information politely.

This undertone that I'm not doing enough is omnipresent. I'm not feeding enough, not doing enough physio, not working hard enough on teaching age appropriate eating behaviours. I hold too much and put off daycare so the insecurities and sensitivities are my fault. Teach more, repeat more, do more.

WHEN WILL IT END?! When can I just relax and enjoy a day without an appointment?  Will there be a time where I'm not reminded of all the challenges my Baby is up against? When will the guilt stop? Will someone tell me: "great job"? Or "Wow look at all you do, you're a great mom!!!!!"?

I have a plan to take this winter off, take a break from appointments and just focus on work and having fun. I'm not risking driving in a snow storm just to be told that I need to intentionally blind my Baby and he needs to eat meat. My Baby is perfect. I'm doing the best I can. FUCK OFF.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Not busy?!

Today was the first day since mother fucking Christmas that I didn't have a medical appointment or therapy session. First day off since I started work where it was just me and Baby and nothing on the agenda. I wasn't feeling that great all day (headache, stomach problems, fatigue, soreness) and it's probably because I had a chance to let my body feel what it has been holding back (just like getting sick right after exams!). Thankfully I have the entire long weekend to rest up and prepare for the weeks and seemingly endless appointments ahead...  

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Healing

I've been living with a pretty debilitating auto immune disease and this year, my rheumatologist advised me that there is a chance (1 in 5!) that it may develop into something life threatening. With no hope of a cure, prevention is my only defence. In April I had my first appointment with a naturopathic doctor. After a physical, taking my blood and history, she put me on a cocktail of supplements: NAC (see video), ginkgo, mushroom concentrate, omegas, niacin, vit d, iron, magnesium and probiotics to start. I've also changed my diet completely, avoiding the following trigger foods: gluten (!), dairy, eggs, cashews, pistachios, hazelnuts, pees and mustard. Almost all I eat and put on my skin is organic. I no longer wear perfume (the new second hand smoke for auto immune sufferers). Though it's not easy for a vegetarian to follow such a restrictive diet, after only 5 weeks, I'm starting to notice a change. Yes, I'm still exhausted, but my mood has improved, my stomach no longer hurts and I'm finally sleeping more soundly. I'm starting to believe that I can change my biochemistry. My body is healing. There is hope after all!




Tuesday, May 30, 2017

City and Colour


nutshell


old man

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Mother's Day

Wanted to post this for Mother's Day was too busy dealing with one of Baby's epic meltdowns!



There's nothing more devastatingly heart breaking than having your child hospitalized. My wounds are still very fresh, and like Baby's scar, I will always have that mark. Yes we breakdown, we scream and cry alone in private, but somehow we suck it up and do what we have to do for our child. We are Survivors, we are Mothers.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

This!


#busybragging

Another crazy Tuesday! OT evaluation, grocery shopping, lunch, specialized educator appointment, driving driving driving. What I'm saving for my next day off: paper work, phone calls, cooking, cleaning, 2 more appointments and hopefully (probably not) a bit of rest. #busybragging

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Stressful Day

5 am wake up, dysphasia, dyspraxia, hazards, questionnaires, developmental levels, spare tire, 5 appointments (out of 6), still have to change a poopy diaper, bath, massage and prepare meals for the next 2 days of work! Ouff

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Baby Be Keeping Me Busy! part 4

Since the beginning of the year, this is what I've been up to:

1 audiology appointment
1 dentist appointment
1 ENT appointment
2 blood tests
4 appointments with 2 different physiotherapists
7 physio classes
4 appointments with 3 different social workers
1 barium swallow (for me this time)
15 appointments with 4 different specialized educators
2 appointments with an occupational therapist
1 occupational therapy workshop
2 speech therapy workshops
7 speech therapy sessions
mother goose classes
8 hours in the ER (again for me)
music classes
1 of these classes
1 meeting here*
sign and play classes

* I will be starting work in the spring, 3 days a week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this centre (which seems amazing with its one-on-one stimulation program) will work as a daycare for Baby. It will be costly ($40/half day) but hopefully worth the expense... The weeks ahead will be jammed packed and I'm not so confident in my juggling skills. I'm tired and feel alone in my struggles. Stress, sadness, sickness, cold, frostbite, insomnia, anxiety, it's all pilling up on my fragile self. I'm hoping spring will bring with her a new sense of energy and light. In the mean time, I think I'm going to take a personal day tomorrow, cancel everything and stay inside. I'm allowed once in a while no?

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Kooples

Want

 Want

Can't afford 

Kick It To Me!!



"When you make other people less then for not participating, then you become the machine".