Anxiety

Just a few weeks ago, I lost my cousin to mental illness. Though my story isn't the same and really can't compare to his, I feel like the more we talk, blog, vlog whatever about our individual experiences, the more we can collectively break some of the stigma surrounding mental illness and maybe help someone in the process.

Anxiety has always been inside me, manifesting itself in certain behaviours growing up like being scared to talk to relatives or hiding in the house to avoid having to say hi to company. I remember as a young kid being invited to birthday parties but having to leave early or not being able to stay. In high school and in my 20s I was pretty anti-social, friendly but never able to hold any form of genuine friendship. Then Baby came and after about 4 months of being in survival mode, my ability to cope with the stress and lack of sleep and the emotions surrounding the entire situation was just beyond my capacity. I started getting panic attacks and debilitating fears. Unable to drive, I would have to ride the metro but be convinced every time that we would crash and all die. I would feel electric shocks going through my body and my muscles would twitch uncontrollably. I started to fear loud noises, fear the elevator, feel unsafe everywhere, especially at home because of an irrational fear that the fire alarm would go off. Battling this constant fear all while taking care of a baby + all the atypical needs of my special Baby made living unbearable...

In an effort to turn things around, I forced myself to drive, distracted my mind, stopped thinking about potential disasters, convinced myself that I wasn't going to die. Took the elevator instead of the stairs, carried ear muffs for Baby to protect against the fire alarm. Kept an emergency overnight bag at the door just in case.... Slowly I started to have less irrational scary thoughts. The muscle spasms became less frequent and eventually stopped. I've learned how to use coping mechanisms to get through stressful situations. The fear of accidents and dying is gone but I'm still... fragile. Just today I had to take a rickety elevator with Baby and the entire time (2 looooong flights) I had to breathe and consciously control my thoughts from getting the best of me. I wake up several times a night gasping (my panic attacks only happen when I'm sleeping now!), my skin often feels like it's burning (a sign of a stressed nervous system), my muscles are sore and I suffer from terrible headaches. I get unreasonably upset or critical when I see Facebook pictures of my friends' families and stop listing as soon as someone talks to me about their baby or birthing experience. Oh and I apparently I can't talk in front of a group of moms... but at least I recognize now that I never really cared in the first place!